To Do or Not to Do…

Well today I saw my therapist. I cried, I told her about what happened over the weekend and she really helped me a lot. She got me to focus on the positive aspects of what happened. I learned some great lessons:

  1. I need to be more careful when it comes to alcohol and I cannot handle it the way I thought I could.
  2.  I am very grateful and lucky that Brad was a terrific human being and treated me with respect and care and didn’t take advantage of me in that state. It turned out way better than it could have.
  3. It makes me see that not every man is going to treat me like less than a human being and you know what, I DESERVE to be treated with respect and like a human being by every person I come across. That night is exactly how it SHOULD go.
  4. This is a funny story we can talk about in the future. It’s not as awful as I am making it out to be, I am not a terrible person. It will be a funny drunk story and I can let it go.

After therapy I went and met up with Brad. I think it was really cool of him to ask to meet up with me so we could privately discuss what happened and…have a sober discussion about what we really want to do and where we want to go with that.

I was so nervous like almost felt sick I was so nervous. Not sure why…just felt embarrassed and also…it’s obviously going to be nerve-wracking when you tell a friend you want to have sex with them one night while drunk and then have to look them in the face and discuss it.

He was really nice about it and I thanked him for being a really good, decent human being and for doing the right thing in the situation. I told him how much it meant to me and that I respected him a lot more for handling the situation that way. I also apologized for putting him in a difficult position and asked him how he felt about it.

The thing is. He is Poly. As it seems so many people of my generation are now……Poly and married, meaning he is married and him and his wife have one other partner each. When we talked he was very honest about the fact that he has tried to have three partners before, like REAL partners, not just friends with benefits, and it never has worked out and it led to him almost ruining his marriage and other partnerships because there just isn’t enough time to invest.

Honestly…I don’t even know what kind of answer I was looking for. It was a fucked up night. Yeah I do kind of like him…but not like in some romantic ideal like…I just think he is a really nice guy, a decent person, and I like our friend group and what it has given me emotionally since I moved to Portland. I think it’s unfortunate that he is married and that he is Poly. I feel conflicted. It’s like the same thing basically that I have heard my whole fucking life (with the exception of Mike) which is: “I can’t or won’t be in a relationship with you for X,Y,Z reason. But I do want to have sex with you.”

That’s been my whole life, except my relationship with Mike.

I hate it. I couldn’t tell Brad that. But I hate it. It makes me feel like I’m just an unlucky person. To not ever be able to have love.

After the sexual assault I developed this real hatred of sex in general and hatred of people who are Poly. A feeling of real resentment towards people who I feel have no loyalty to others and spread diseases without a care.

I know deep down that Brad is not that kind of person. He has a wife and one other partner who he seems to care deeply about and want to be loyal to. Safety is a priority and I know that is something we would have to discuss. It’s just something I am not sure about, looking at it through a sober lens.

Part of it is that I don’t know where my long-distance relationship with Mike is going to go…will it really go anywhere? I don’t know. He flat out said multiple times that he isn’t going to hold me back and I am allowed to do whatever while I am here, which at the time I was upset about because I thought it meant he wanted to see other people too and that upset me. But in that case I shouldn’t feel guilty on his account.

But would it hurt me? Emotionally? What would be good about it? Part of me feels like I really don’t want to have sex ever again, because of everything that has happened. Because I feel like sex led to such an awful physical outcome where my body feels broken.

Sex can be healthy though, I tell myself. You had a friend with benefit situation before with Chris back in NY before Mike came into your life. That worked out pretty well actually…you felt no amount of deeper feelings for him, you just liked having sex together, and that was it. I really only ever had ONE true friend with benefits situation, but it was a decent experience. I think it was fine…until he started throwing his new “girlfriend” into my face…that was shitty and sucked, but that was after I had moved away. Also that was more of an ego thing, my ego was hurt more than I was jealous…

I don’t know. My head is all kinds of confused.

Ultimately we both came to the conclusion that…it would not work out for him to have me as a third partner. He just can’t have a third. But if I wanted it to just be a casual sex thing, he would agree to that because he is very attracted to me…but we can both have some time to really think about it.

It was both a shot to my ego (that he was basically like, no I can’t have anything serious with you) but at the same time…why would I want something serious with him? I am still with Mike, and I don’t really want to be in a poly relationship anyway. It’s flattering that he would still want to have sex with me. But do I really want that? After everything I have been through. Is that what I want? Do I really even want sex?

Basically he said that I should think about it and then let him know…like just send him a text and we can meet up again and discuss further…and then he could maybe come over to my dorm…but only if we both decide we want to do that.

He did ultimately say though that he doesn’t want this to affect our friendship or me coming to movie nights and stuff, or cause me to stop coming to events at the house and leave the friend group. I really appreciated him saying that no matter what, the friendship group would not change and that would all be okay. That would be the worst…to have a whole friend group ruined because of it.

Not sure what I am going to do or what I really want. But I am infinitely grateful that he was a decent person and I am getting the chance to deeply think about it before making some rash decision.

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