Death

How do you tell people who you never really liked or wanted to talk to in the first place to FUCK RIGHT OFF when they ask how you are? Especially when you have so few people who even pretend to care enough about you to ask?

Especially when maybe they are being genuine…or maybe they are just co-dependent and need you to come back to the land of the living so they can have one more person to fill their time with?

Maybe I am just shitty and I hate people because I am awful. I see the bad in all people, especially now that I have lost the one person I respected and who respected and understood me.

I have not written about my brother’s death because I could not stand to. I still can’t really stand to write the details about it because I am trying to get through my every day. Alone and crushed. Getting texts from Chris, the douchebag who looks at me like a sex object, Lecia the lonely woman who can’t find a new roommate to replace me and can’t get over her cheating husband and basically wants me as a free therapist and cash cow when I was living with her, and Alex…this immature gay 21 year old who I especially cannot stand to be around now as frivolous people are the last people I can stand right now. All he wants is to have someone else to spend time with and talk to about his gay sexual escapades and how amazing his life is as a rich kid whose parents throw money at him and pay for everything. Not exactly the person I want to be around at the moment.

The feeling of pain is always right there, like looking into the sun. I am trying to keep my eyes shut, and only open them slightly when I need to. The pain is so searing that I am trying to minimize as much as possible.

All I want to do when these people try contacting me is tell them to fuck off. That they don’t really care and why would they? That I don’t want to let anyone else in, I just want to be left alone. That honestly all I want is my brother back and it’s the one thing I cannot have.

 

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